December Prayer At Solstice

Many days, years, lifetimes,
have I lived.
Many moments have I shared.
Many burdens have I accepted,
binding my strengths, thus.

This day is my new day.
This now is my new beginning.
This strength and aliveness is my new then,
yet to be.
Let my happiness be now.
Let my prosperity be now.
Let my sanity and security
be now.
Let my strength support me now.
Let my love shine bright,
and let me feel it now.
For the good of all.
For all time.

Nancy McEldowney
December 2003

Bell's Palsy

It is time to chat again. 

I am working with someone who is struggling. 

As always, I am here to help, though she is cranky and a little aggressive with me.

I have been asked, in the past, if I ever get yelled at, by my clients. 

Yes, sometimes I do get yelled at.

Yes, I think it is wrong to unload on me but the world I am working in is scary for most people. 

I do this with love, so I allow outbursts, occasionally.

I have been told that the trick I have up my sleeve is that I do not judge. 

I accept people for who they are and I make every effort to remember we all come to the table unique, complicated and quite often unaware of the impact we have on those we share company with.

When one of my clients requires my company in the Emergency Room, they are usually so grateful for my attentions. If they are given a Morphine drip for pain, it is like watching a dark light bulb light up. If they are over 70, it is my experience that they are often affected in a negative way. They can hallucinate horrible fears that, many times, they never recover from. Still, our medical community tells me that Morphine is the best choice and the side effects are only a detail to observe.

Sometimes, I observe anger and shouting and even weak attempts at physical harm to me. 

This kind of aggressive behavior is immediately forgiven. They are in the E.R. and frightened and so soon disoriented by the medications they are given. I do not fault them or require more understanding than that.

Then there is the occasional place I get to with people who have me in their homes for the different personal assistance they require. Sometimes, I find myself in the company of people who simply give themselves permission to act badly, to the care-giver.

These same people also tell themselves they are allowed to act out in public, ranting about the post office or the line at the light, or beeping and beeping and beeping while I am waiting on the side of the Highway, waiting for the break in traffic, to access. Some people expect to be allowed, to be tolerated.

In truth, I will give you three times. 

The first two times, I watch to uncover the cause.

By the third time, I am usually aware of the cause and I offer that one last time, because patience is required for people in trouble.

They wouldn't have me there if they weren't in trouble.

This last year has been so very hard on all of us.

2011 will go down in History as the year we all survived, somehow. I like to tell myself it was a year of doors closing.

2012 has already proven to be the year that opened new doors so I am full of hope for all my loved ones and clients who were strong enough to get to this year, with love and laughter intact.

The reality of this clients life has changed so much, though.

She has survived this mystery to our Medical Community and is still fighting to bring her body back from this physical invasion of her day to day.

I do not wish to share her journey here so much as to bring to your attention that these things cause ripples and those of us around her who fight to keep our patience, really do experience this with her.

Just before Christmas of 2011, she manifested the second battle with pain.

Just before Christmas of 2011, she chose to be as brave as anyone could be, and went to be with her family, anyway.

Just before Christmas of 2011, this brave woman found herself in more pain than child birth and it was all behind her right ear. 

No pain medication would relieve her discomfort.

No doctor could explain her experience to her.

No family member could hug the fear out of her.

WebMD provides this explanation for a paralysis that we can not explain but that resonates with the reflections that I have provided for you, here.

I quote:

 "What is Bell's palsy?

Bell's palsy is a paralysis or weakness of the muscles on one side of your face. Damage to the facial nerve that controls muscles on one side of the face causes that side of your face to droop . The nerve damage may also affect your sense of taste and how you make tears and saliva. This condition comes on suddenly, often overnight, and usually gets better on its own within a few weeks.
Bell's palsy is not the result of a stroke or a transient ischemic attack (TIA). While stroke and TIA can cause facial paralysis, there is no link between Bell's palsy and either of these conditions. But sudden weakness that occurs on one side of your face should be checked by a doctor right away to rule out these more serious causes.

What causes Bell's palsy?

The cause of Bell's palsy is not clear. Most cases are thought to be caused by the herpes virus that causes cold sores.¹
In most cases of Bell's palsy, the nerve that controls muscles on one side of the face is damaged by inflammation.
Many health problems can cause weakness or paralysis of the face. If a specific reason cannot be found for the weakness, the condition is called Bell's palsy."

Thank you WebMD.

Did you catch that last part?  "If a specific reason cannot be found for the weakness, the condition is called Bell's Palsy."
Very frightening, powerless outcome to a  very painful experience.

Because I have spent time in this home, I have been watching something happening to this woman, for a very long time.
Because these people prefer to see me as nothing more than a cleaner, in their home, they do not respect my education and do not concern themselves with my opinions and observations.

It is true.

Some people are not comfortable recognizing my education and require that I never speak of what I understand.
Shame really, as they have a professional in their company and do not avail themselves of my gifts.
When this woman had a day of pain, many months ago, that resulted in the correction of her eyesight, I guessed that this was the beginning of something else.
She was grateful for the correction in her eyesight and the fact that the incredible pain this experience presented, had ended. She preferred to see it as a gift from heaven and I supported her comfort zone as best as I could.
I celebrated her beliefs and watched closely to find any other manifestations of what was happening to her. To find a cause, somehow.
Her medical staff tested and tested but nothing was coming from all the effort.
I continued to help her keep her joy.
After all, I am there to please her. That is what her husband told me when this job began.
He said, "Be here for four hours at a time and just make her happy."
She has Arthritis in her hips and has her painful days.
It is my pleasure to help her maintain the happiness her husband hopes for.
She has been an interesting client for a little over three years now.
Always giving, always chatty and warm; these most recent changes were easy to notice.

It began when she started shouting.

This is so unusual for a woman with so much kindness in her heart. It was almost as if she saw me as a daughter. The tone and rant were unacceptable but I was inclined to allow it so I could report to her husband and possibly catch symptoms that might lead to answers for the pain and subsequent improvement of sight.
Her medical team was only watching, too. This couple has a tendency to isolate themselves in the comfort, the level of income this man has generated in his career, allows them.
After testing revealed no answers, we all kept a ,"chin up", kind of attitude.
I just watched closer and closer.
I never guessed she would greet me with the story of her experience, when they returned from Christmas with family.
I never guessed I would find this woman following me around her house to continue to rant at me as I attempted to be useful to her. Taunting me to join the level of argument she felt, unsatisfied when I remained calm, speaking in quiet tones.
To date my observations find her paranoid, aggressive, frightened, uninterested in her normal daily tasks.
Depression maybe, but a neurological challenge can also manifest with these changes.
Her husband excuses these outbursts with how much she has been through.
I attempt to share my concern without creating fear.
He does not believe that I am educated enough to be of any use in this matter.

My job is to be of service to her but I am still unsure if I will be welcome each time I arrive. I only work for this couple every two weeks so it is difficult to know how it goes in my absence. It is possible she targets me to unload on because she has come to understand that I am up to that task, so far.
My policy of three strikes will tell her how this will go, should she feel the need to blow up on me, when I return this week.
What I understand and what this couple ask of me are two different things.

When I relate this to friends who have been nurses, they remind me that I should stand up for the education I possess. Require respect from those who hire me for the gifts I possess and share.
My answer is that I don't care what I am called, just so people who need me, will call me.
I know what I am and what I understand about this area of life.
I do not need accolades, I wish to be of service in this life and having me in your home insures an extra help to keep you alive and hopefully thriving until the EMT's arrive to bring you to the next level of care you may require.

As far as people who do not respect what I offer, I am still me and they still need me.
Doesn't have to matter if they understand who they are sharing company with. What matters is that I bring my A-game every time I am in a home. I never know if this time will be the time they find out how much I can really help.
Life is like that.
Be as prepared as you can be, but in the end, hope for intelligence around you when you fall, rely on the kindness of these people and do the best that you can.

I'm not really sure why I shared all this with you today.
I guess I was compelled to remind you that you never really know what you are looking at,
when you are in the company of others. 
I never really know what I am looking at,
when I share company with others.
I just know we all have bodies and bodies require care.
I know we all understand the reality of this life, on some level,
and we all deserve the respect due us for still being here.
I believe I deserve respect and I am sure I get it more often than I am aware of.
I am of value.
My clients are of value.
You are of value.

The trick is never to judge.

Always,
celebrate the life and look past the complications.....
and love.
Always love.

Always.

Hello again. Time for an update to this post.

Yesterday was our scheduled day to work together.
I must report that the third strike did present itself, though my client is clearly doing better with her desire to keep me in my "place".
Quieter and more interested in our usual habits, again.
Very nice to see.

I did not actually tell you what happens at the point of the third strike. My apologies if it seemed I might cut and run from a client who is struggling. No, I do not run and I have no hope to leave this situation, during such a troubling time. What I do ask is that someone in the home who is not struggling, have a conversation about the situation, with me.
I did tell you that do not need to be recognized for my education and knowledge of the field I work in.
I know, I told you that I have people who require that I do not speak of what I actually have training in, but remain nothing more than a "Maid" when I am in their home.
This home has required this, "Maid approach", of me for most of our time together, though the wife has asked for my occasional understandings, in the past. Just chat mind you, but she does seem to be aware of my abilities and this is good. She can, hopefully, trust me and find me useful if the time arrives when she needs what I am good at. Like now.....
Still, yesterday was not as loud as the past, only, almost tense and looking like it could become loud if I let it. When the time was available for a private conversation with her husband, I asked for the courtesy of getting us "On the same page".
He allowed for my interruption of his computer time but almost whispered to me that she would be very upset if she knew we were talking about her, without her presence.
He was open but maintained, for the most part, a sense that I was simply offended and he kept saying that I could quit when ever I wanted to. Almost as if he had seen these days before.
I continued to share that this current emotional conflict  his wife is troubled by, was actually her instruction to me. My concern is that she has completely forgotten the entire conversation, as well as her instruction. This is too much and too long of a memory to lose. Conversations had happened on different occasions.
This awareness seems to be lost to her.
The second episode, with the manifestation of pain and what has been diagnosed as Bell's Palsy, was after the conversations and instructions. Those same instructions she now finds worthy of her rant. It has been my guess that when she suffered the worst of the symptoms, it is possible something more, neurologically, was happening.
The loss of memory is an important issue showing itself to us, at this time.
I did not do this without respect for the fact that this man has been living with his loved one but has not put all these things together, in his mind. Catching up to this understanding was a painful reality to face and it is my job to have this third strike conversation carefully and respectfully, knowing I may not be understood simply because it is too hard to face. He was beginning to see this conversation for what it was but continued to absorb my words as something he had seen in his wife before. Perhaps she is easy to upset when she feels her privacy has been compromised, but her privacy is not what is at risk here and I would not be doing my job if I did not bring her husband to this understanding. Familiar reactions to conflict can seem like normal life but the underlying reality that begs for our attention is the loss of memory, not the outburst.
After I shared what I understood and experienced with his wife, I asked him if he understood why I can allow a client to act out like his wife had. I told him that I understood the powerlessness she has been feeling. I shared that I was aware of how it would help her feel "personal power", if she could have power over me, the strong one in the room. I told him that in the past, I have been able to allow struggling clients to "shout", at me, because it gives the illusion of power over something, when personal power over "self", is seemingly at risk.
In truth, it is quite upsetting but worthy of patience, most of the time.
Ultimately, I told him that I allowed his wife to act out because I understood she was in a powerless, frightened stage of this experience and I was able to stay because my strength could withstand her outbursts. That is not to say I would allow anything physical but I hoped to help him understand, this is not about my feelings but my job.
His response was simply, "Interesting approach."
I answered that this is what it is like when you have a Professional in your home. I touched his arm and quietly said, "Twelve years in. Job security."
When he left us alone for errands, he quietly smiled to me on his way by and whispered with raised eyebrows, "Have fun".
We did and I was pleased to find her returning to her comfortable self in my presence.
My answer with every micro managed moment?
"What ever you say."
My response when asked to sit with a cup of coffee for chat?
"Yes, thank you."
My answer when our conversation came upon a friend in common, juggling a complicated situation?
"I am sorry but that would seem too much like gossip and you know I don't do that. Please go to her and find out what she is ready to share about that".
I thanked her for not pressing me further, for information about our mutual friend.
I could see her processing what that could mean about her concern for my chat with anyone about her life. I could feel her calm as she realized she did not need to be concerned about my loyalty to her privacy. I had found a place in conversation to speak about her concerns without requiring her to actually face that fear.
I was feeling blessed at the fact that yesterday I was able to address very important issues with both of these people and it happened without requiring emotional conflict between us.
It was a good day.

We care-givers witness the lives of our clients on such a deep level. If we are good at what we commit to, we are in these homes as a friend.
We are there during good times and bad.
If your commitment is to remain useful, you must allow for the bumps while you continue to observe and report what you experience.

In twelve years, there is only one woman who found me unwilling to come back.
She gave herself permission to grab my throat after an unusual argument she had had on the phone, with her daughter. Perhaps I could have stayed in her employ but it would have meant that I was okay with her hands at my throat. I was not. She was so very sorry for her actions and sent me cash in an apology but physical harm has always been my personal boundary. We are still friendly to each other when we come across each other in this small town. I did not burn that bridge, only declared my boundary.
We all really do have moments of that kind of energy, we just also have a responsibility to others. No physical outburst is productive.

Thank you for your interest in my reflections, here.
Be well and remember to be useful when you can be, kind when it is a day of conflict for your clients....

Always.