It's not all beautiful,
but most of it is.
It's not all that you think it is,
but it's okay.
It's really okay.
Strength is like that.
One of those things pretty hard to understand,
but you still have it.
You still do.
I guess you should keep the heart of a lion.
Mostly the eyes of the birds.
See so much, you can let the future in.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Nancy McEldowney
August 10, 2003
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Some Pretty Soon Day
I used to use that phrase alot. It was what I told myself each time my heart ached for more. More than I had given myself. The other life that I was sure was waiting for me and was going to still be there when I got around to fixing the life I already had. Then, one day, I just stepped away from the life I had built. I told the kids I was changing and left the husband at a new place to live so I could begin again within comfortable reach of those same people that I had trained to need me. Need me they did and use me, well, I allowed them to use me even after I made them all leave. We have all grown and are so much better for our efforts to change. We are the lucky ones, I think.
I have an elder who makes me consider these things so often. She had a wonderful marriage and was happy living her life with her husband, watching her girls grow and move away to begin their lives as mothers and wives. Then her precious friend and husband passed away and she had no choice but to change. I just learned recently that her present husband married her within six months of the death of her first husband. Thing is, the family learned that her challenge with Alzheimer's began in that same year, as well. The girls are women now and mothers of grown children. They hired me because they live in different states and can not be here to protect their mom. Her current husband seems to love her dearly but the disease is aggressive and she is lost so easily. This womans' daughters fret over her safety and personal care like good daughters should. I am able to accomplish so much because I am not them and the husband tends to trust me so far.
I am with this dear, dear woman each Monday morning for what I call, "girl time". I make sure she showers and during her shower I talk to her husband and try to find the challenges that I can help them with. He is surviving cancer this year so he is finding this care-giving for his loved one to be a challenge and something he didn't sign on for. He was looking for her to care for him. Most men, in my experience, look for it at his age. (86) Lots of husbands and wives that I have worked for get a sort of anger when they find the person they married is disappearing while some disease is moving in and taking over. In this home, the sort of anger I speak of means the husband loses patience having to repeat himself. He tells me that he has to yell at her to get her to shower or floss her teeth. I understand his frustration but I always remind him that she can't help her problem and that yelling is unacceptable. When they are alone, who knows how it goes. I guess I fret a little, too.
After the shower I get the towels and bed linen in the washer and now, the husband has started doing the laundry after we leave and this is good. He wasn't before my entrance into his sameness. He is attempting a cooperative attitude and I am grateful. The wife giggles at the thought of it and always says, "Good", when I tell her he did chores.
I get her to a day spa and get her hair washed and styled each week, and then cut once a month. We also get a pedicure done twice a month, hence the reference to "girl time". The day we are at the day spa, one of the other hair techs has her group of elderly women come in for their hair and I can make my client feel like she is a part of the group without her requirement of participation. The habit is working and she is happier. I want that for her.
Sometimes I look at the situation I have just explained to you and wonder if she ever feels trapped like I did . Does she remember that she married this guy and why she decided to do it? Does she appreciate her choices anymore? Both of them needed the company. Both of them were alone and tired of being alone. Now is 9 years later and life is what it is. Did it occur to them that this was a possibility? I doubt it. How can we see an aggressive disease coming? Now both of them fight something that they can't help each other with. They are still alone but together in the lives they created. There are no "pretty soon days" coming now. They are in the last decades of their lives and I am there to help things go smoothly so they can just enjoy the little things company can offer.
Do I compare their last decade to my own life? Yes, absolutely. Do I have any ideas for my own choices? I only hope I can find the happiness that the wife expresses when she talks about the life she thinks she has. Maybe her opinion of her day to day is disconnected and sometimes incorrect but to her, she is where she is supposed to be. I am also where I am supposed to be. This much I know. I never use that phrase anymore because I brought those days here.
I created the change and survived the transitions as they presented themselves. Perhaps the effort taught me to see these people for the humans that they are. I am referral only and I work only in the town that I live. The fact that I am still able to pay for this life tells you that I am getting income enough to support my life and the life of the child I still have at home with me, from a business that I have come to love. I think I told you before, this life I built will not make me wealthy, no, I am not pulling in a big income. Just enough not to lose ground and I am always grateful to have employment when so many do not. The extra part that keeps me taking new clients when treasured ones pass is the love and kindness. The families are so often out of ideas and feeling the pain of worry and fear of loss. The reality of watching our elders lose ground and fall from the ability to maintain themselves is an awesome reality even for the strongest heart. We only now the person we think that they are. Then when they need us to take over, we find other sides of them that we never guessed at.
That is where I come in. The families have so much courage to hire me. I try my best not to let them down. Our elders are so vulnerable. I try to be an advocate when I find someone unable to speak for themselves. I try to teach when I find them able to still learn. I always respect the life I find. These people, who ever they were in their youth, are here now, in my care. That means someone loves them so I do, too.
Some pretty soon day is here, got a plan?
I have an elder who makes me consider these things so often. She had a wonderful marriage and was happy living her life with her husband, watching her girls grow and move away to begin their lives as mothers and wives. Then her precious friend and husband passed away and she had no choice but to change. I just learned recently that her present husband married her within six months of the death of her first husband. Thing is, the family learned that her challenge with Alzheimer's began in that same year, as well. The girls are women now and mothers of grown children. They hired me because they live in different states and can not be here to protect their mom. Her current husband seems to love her dearly but the disease is aggressive and she is lost so easily. This womans' daughters fret over her safety and personal care like good daughters should. I am able to accomplish so much because I am not them and the husband tends to trust me so far.
I am with this dear, dear woman each Monday morning for what I call, "girl time". I make sure she showers and during her shower I talk to her husband and try to find the challenges that I can help them with. He is surviving cancer this year so he is finding this care-giving for his loved one to be a challenge and something he didn't sign on for. He was looking for her to care for him. Most men, in my experience, look for it at his age. (86) Lots of husbands and wives that I have worked for get a sort of anger when they find the person they married is disappearing while some disease is moving in and taking over. In this home, the sort of anger I speak of means the husband loses patience having to repeat himself. He tells me that he has to yell at her to get her to shower or floss her teeth. I understand his frustration but I always remind him that she can't help her problem and that yelling is unacceptable. When they are alone, who knows how it goes. I guess I fret a little, too.
After the shower I get the towels and bed linen in the washer and now, the husband has started doing the laundry after we leave and this is good. He wasn't before my entrance into his sameness. He is attempting a cooperative attitude and I am grateful. The wife giggles at the thought of it and always says, "Good", when I tell her he did chores.
I get her to a day spa and get her hair washed and styled each week, and then cut once a month. We also get a pedicure done twice a month, hence the reference to "girl time". The day we are at the day spa, one of the other hair techs has her group of elderly women come in for their hair and I can make my client feel like she is a part of the group without her requirement of participation. The habit is working and she is happier. I want that for her.
Sometimes I look at the situation I have just explained to you and wonder if she ever feels trapped like I did . Does she remember that she married this guy and why she decided to do it? Does she appreciate her choices anymore? Both of them needed the company. Both of them were alone and tired of being alone. Now is 9 years later and life is what it is. Did it occur to them that this was a possibility? I doubt it. How can we see an aggressive disease coming? Now both of them fight something that they can't help each other with. They are still alone but together in the lives they created. There are no "pretty soon days" coming now. They are in the last decades of their lives and I am there to help things go smoothly so they can just enjoy the little things company can offer.
Do I compare their last decade to my own life? Yes, absolutely. Do I have any ideas for my own choices? I only hope I can find the happiness that the wife expresses when she talks about the life she thinks she has. Maybe her opinion of her day to day is disconnected and sometimes incorrect but to her, she is where she is supposed to be. I am also where I am supposed to be. This much I know. I never use that phrase anymore because I brought those days here.
I created the change and survived the transitions as they presented themselves. Perhaps the effort taught me to see these people for the humans that they are. I am referral only and I work only in the town that I live. The fact that I am still able to pay for this life tells you that I am getting income enough to support my life and the life of the child I still have at home with me, from a business that I have come to love. I think I told you before, this life I built will not make me wealthy, no, I am not pulling in a big income. Just enough not to lose ground and I am always grateful to have employment when so many do not. The extra part that keeps me taking new clients when treasured ones pass is the love and kindness. The families are so often out of ideas and feeling the pain of worry and fear of loss. The reality of watching our elders lose ground and fall from the ability to maintain themselves is an awesome reality even for the strongest heart. We only now the person we think that they are. Then when they need us to take over, we find other sides of them that we never guessed at.
That is where I come in. The families have so much courage to hire me. I try my best not to let them down. Our elders are so vulnerable. I try to be an advocate when I find someone unable to speak for themselves. I try to teach when I find them able to still learn. I always respect the life I find. These people, who ever they were in their youth, are here now, in my care. That means someone loves them so I do, too.
Some pretty soon day is here, got a plan?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
God Only Sees Lifeforce
I think we maybe do it from some ache,
some need that silently explains to us
that we have to do it.
It was ordained that we must.
"All I ever do is try to make you happy"!
How many women have pleaded those words?
She thinks she is doing
what she is supposed to.
He doesn't understand why she does
what she does.
He doesn't remember what the Romans did.
He has forgotten when God was a woman.
She cleans and fixes
and fusses to improve his world.
Maybe even his reality.
He gets mad and defensive
and feels his world of security
shake with her fumbling invasion
of his sameness.
God only sees life force.
In Egypt, women were in authority.
In Rome, the men had taken all control.
45 years before Christ was born,
God was still a woman sometimes.
The Amazons shared a healthy
sense of community and though
I respect that,
I am thinking we could
make better choices.
God only sees life force.
If it's all the same to you,
well,
I want to be a God, too.
Nancy McEldowney
11/5/1995
some need that silently explains to us
that we have to do it.
It was ordained that we must.
"All I ever do is try to make you happy"!
How many women have pleaded those words?
She thinks she is doing
what she is supposed to.
He doesn't understand why she does
what she does.
He doesn't remember what the Romans did.
He has forgotten when God was a woman.
She cleans and fixes
and fusses to improve his world.
Maybe even his reality.
He gets mad and defensive
and feels his world of security
shake with her fumbling invasion
of his sameness.
God only sees life force.
In Egypt, women were in authority.
In Rome, the men had taken all control.
45 years before Christ was born,
God was still a woman sometimes.
The Amazons shared a healthy
sense of community and though
I respect that,
I am thinking we could
make better choices.
God only sees life force.
If it's all the same to you,
well,
I want to be a God, too.
Nancy McEldowney
11/5/1995
Just think of it.
We all have to do it at some point in our lives. If we're lucky, we do it early on. Somehow, we know it's true though I believe not all of us want to believe it.
The thing is, we still have to do it. We have to look our lives square in the kisser and demand what we want from ourselves. I have been looking closely at the lives of my elders. I don't mean to be intrusive but I am with them for some very intimate moments in their lives. I can't help but learn from what I see.
You have heard the truth. Thoughts become things. Our thoughts become who and what we are. What and how we live. So if we are lucky, early on in life we teach ourselves to make our personal agenda and then fight ourselves for it.
I know that I create these challenges for myself because all day long I am manifesting and acting and rolling with the flow I create and then engage. Not reacting to something that just happens to me but acting toward the end which is better if I keep it in sight from the start. Took me so long to get that. Took me most of my life to see that even the things that don't feel like they were in my power were still a part of something. Something I agree to simply because I stay. I do not die. I do not give up. I stay.
So many good people are leaving the planet. Yes, another way to say it is that they are dieing. I want to believe in spirit. I say God only sees life-force. I want to know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be even if where I am feels like it is breaking me. I choose not to break. I think of the future that exists with the silent backdrop of my past. I choose to live the present on purpose with my future ever in mind. Took me a long time to get that one, too.
Then there are my elders who live believing they must beg some unseen, human like force of love for the graciousness only a God can have. A graciousness that might just allow them the existence they don't deserve. A life they may have if they just pray hard enough and live as someone told them only God will accept as enough. Day after day reacting to events and dramas as kind of victims of this God they beg.
That part always confuses me. I did get that same teaching as a child but fairy tales came with that package and I grew out of them, too. I love the mystery. I love the feeling of unseen company. I just learned to protect myself and only accept white light. I taught myself that darkness only illuminates the light. It works for me. It makes me stronger and there is no begging. I learned to to say no to myself when I realize that I have created something that is harming me. I've learned that the power starts with me. The same power that I used to hand over to the guy with the book written about him and his son. The power that keeps my life light burning is a choice that I believe I made before I got here so it stays with me that if I goof the life I have, I am only letting myself down. Then there are all the people I was going to meet and bless with my love and light. Goofing the good stuff will keep me from being good for anyone else. What's the point to staying if we can't play nice together?
Sound a little off?
Well, I believe the mere fact that you read to the end means you are ready to hear it.
Well done.
This could sound like more of the nonsense hippies thought up. Doesn't matter to me if you don't agree. Part of what I am tells me that I respect what works for you and I appreciate it if you respect what works for me.
Ultimately, if you live your life with no harm to yourself and anyone else, you are ahead of the game.
My elders, well, I can't talk this way to them. They just laugh. But they love me and are grateful that I am not afraid of the life they let me share with them, no matter how difficult it can get for us. People call this my ministry. I hear an old word that means more than one thing. What ever you want to call what I do is up to you, just so you give it a try. Just so you look into the eyes of the elders around you and remember they are you. It's all your choice, your creation. I hope you tend your garden and love your life for the life you know you created and nurtured. You are the boss of you, remember?
The thing is, we still have to do it. We have to look our lives square in the kisser and demand what we want from ourselves. I have been looking closely at the lives of my elders. I don't mean to be intrusive but I am with them for some very intimate moments in their lives. I can't help but learn from what I see.
You have heard the truth. Thoughts become things. Our thoughts become who and what we are. What and how we live. So if we are lucky, early on in life we teach ourselves to make our personal agenda and then fight ourselves for it.
I know that I create these challenges for myself because all day long I am manifesting and acting and rolling with the flow I create and then engage. Not reacting to something that just happens to me but acting toward the end which is better if I keep it in sight from the start. Took me so long to get that. Took me most of my life to see that even the things that don't feel like they were in my power were still a part of something. Something I agree to simply because I stay. I do not die. I do not give up. I stay.
So many good people are leaving the planet. Yes, another way to say it is that they are dieing. I want to believe in spirit. I say God only sees life-force. I want to know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be even if where I am feels like it is breaking me. I choose not to break. I think of the future that exists with the silent backdrop of my past. I choose to live the present on purpose with my future ever in mind. Took me a long time to get that one, too.
Then there are my elders who live believing they must beg some unseen, human like force of love for the graciousness only a God can have. A graciousness that might just allow them the existence they don't deserve. A life they may have if they just pray hard enough and live as someone told them only God will accept as enough. Day after day reacting to events and dramas as kind of victims of this God they beg.
That part always confuses me. I did get that same teaching as a child but fairy tales came with that package and I grew out of them, too. I love the mystery. I love the feeling of unseen company. I just learned to protect myself and only accept white light. I taught myself that darkness only illuminates the light. It works for me. It makes me stronger and there is no begging. I learned to to say no to myself when I realize that I have created something that is harming me. I've learned that the power starts with me. The same power that I used to hand over to the guy with the book written about him and his son. The power that keeps my life light burning is a choice that I believe I made before I got here so it stays with me that if I goof the life I have, I am only letting myself down. Then there are all the people I was going to meet and bless with my love and light. Goofing the good stuff will keep me from being good for anyone else. What's the point to staying if we can't play nice together?
Sound a little off?
Well, I believe the mere fact that you read to the end means you are ready to hear it.
Well done.
This could sound like more of the nonsense hippies thought up. Doesn't matter to me if you don't agree. Part of what I am tells me that I respect what works for you and I appreciate it if you respect what works for me.
Ultimately, if you live your life with no harm to yourself and anyone else, you are ahead of the game.
My elders, well, I can't talk this way to them. They just laugh. But they love me and are grateful that I am not afraid of the life they let me share with them, no matter how difficult it can get for us. People call this my ministry. I hear an old word that means more than one thing. What ever you want to call what I do is up to you, just so you give it a try. Just so you look into the eyes of the elders around you and remember they are you. It's all your choice, your creation. I hope you tend your garden and love your life for the life you know you created and nurtured. You are the boss of you, remember?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)