When I woke up, I found myself
building on the pieces
of the person that I am.
I could see that life is really
possible because I believe
that I can.
Just knowing that all my obstacles
are no more than spices in the pie,
tells me that pleasure is my because
while understanding has become
the why.
I am exceptional.
I am magnificent.
I am uplifting.
I do not need the rest of
society to agree with me.
So tell me now, if you can.
Tell me, what's this about all the
impatience and the noise?
I can look like such an idiot
lacking self confidence and poise.
Tell me now why I will make
it all so very hard for me.
What worth is there in knowledge,
when my anxious heart just
won't let me be.
Say it again.
I am exceptional.
I am magnificent.
I am uplifting.
I do not need the rest of
society to agree with me.
In all our days and lifetimes
we are connected by the most
precious threads of life.
In all our dreams in our night times
we are capable of magically
transforming wrong into right.
Because we have this power
we are responsible for its
nurturing and its care.
It just doesn't matter that
we acknowledge it so long as
we preserve its beauty
like a treasure,
to pass on to our heirs.
Say it again.
I am exceptional.
I am magnificent.
I am uplifting.
I do not need the rest of
society to agree with me.
Nancy McEldowney
7/15/99
Monday, October 11, 2010
They Are My Mirror
It was a quiet morning this morning.
Time to work on the internet projects, sort out bills, such as that.
I made my way all the way to 1:00 before I actually spoke to anyone.
That was only four hours ago but I am here to chat at you about it.
You don't really need to hear details.
You are thinking you had a day of your own.
How could my day seem like anything more than yours did.
I understand, really I do.
What I am here to share with you really isn't a story about my day.
It is more a light bulb to turn on.
A realization that makes life a little better sometimes.
I think I am so very lucky in this world.
I tend to speak loud and laugh often, or so I have been told.
My children get short with me when my bright light is just shining and shining in their eyes.
What can I say, I have energy. Lots of energy, lots of the time.
Who ever heard of a parent with more energy than her children?
Well, it is true at my house anyway.
They try to keep up but most times I can see it on their faces.
They are trying to mirror me but don't know how it is working.
It frustrates them sometimes.
I guess I have always believed I should respect that people try to mirror me.
I am a middle child so I remember having younger siblings who tried to dress like me, act like me.
It is just different in adult life.
We have to understand that we have value and that others wish they could smile
the way we smile.
Dance when the music isn't playing.
Tell stories, sing songs, light up the room.
Don't get me wrong.
I believe everyone lights up the room.
I enjoy all the people I care for and work for.
It is important to remember there is a special part of all of us that shines,
whether we mean it or not.
So I begin my days with sleepy people who offer me coffee and chat.
Lights are not shining bright yet, movements are still slow.
I am theirs for more than chat but it is up to me to notice what is needed.
They think of me as a cleaner.
They find a companion in me that is kind and patient.
A woman who understands more than she says she understands,
and who will pitch in at a moments notice.
For most of my clients, that is enough.
We get into a comfortable place with each other.
They know what to expect when I arrive.
I know how it can go with anything I have found they need.
Just helping them to stay independent in their homes.
Some of my clients enjoy a visit from my dog, Luna.
She is a sweet touch with more silly energy to pass around.
Good with vulnerable people, too.
She tends to just sit by them if they can't move or speak.
Cool, huh.
Sometimes it is more appropriate to simply tell stories of her escapades in the desert out back of town.
Times when her germs are an issue, you know.
The important part is always that I am there when I say I will be and they have my attention the entire time I am there.
Sometimes my attention is all that is really important to them.
That's okay, too.
The part that is most important to me when I arrive, is that I know they have been living the whole week till my next visit.
Each day was probably as challenging for them as the one they have on my schedule.
They would like to whine and tell about the troubles.
They would like to speak of frustrations with medical personnel,
procedures, falls that ripped their skin.
Most of the time they don't whine.
Did you hear that?
Most of the time these elders just want to know about my week.
They want to hear my stories of parenting and business owning and single womaning......
^_^
It always honors me to find them interested.
Because I understand more than I say I understand,
I try to speak only about things they can help me with.
Sometimes, I have to make a story for them to solve.
Makes them feel useful in this world.
Needed by someone who doesn't look like she needs them.
Best I can, I never bring my drama to them.
They have enough drama for the both of us.
No, I really just try to make them smile.
Sometimes, it is all about the smile I bring through the door when I arrive.
They are my mirror.
Some days it is just that it takes them a while to wake up and want to smile.
Lots of the time I find them sorting out some very painful trouble that keeps them sitting too long, so I sing.
I do, and they encourage it or just smile as if I were an angel.
It probably helps that I have had training.
It probably makes a difference that I have worked with musicians who
made me learn to have a voice worth listening to.
What I think is wonderful is that when I sing or bring joy, well,
I find people try to mirror me.
It is like magic, sometimes.
I get to the home and it is sleepy quiet.
Within an hour we are all chatting and smiling and the day seems better.
I think of it as a courtesy to the good people who employ me.
It is a gift that I give to my clients.
Yes, I am leading them and I don't know if it stays in the air after I leave.
Sometimes I wonder if I tire them out and they nap when I go.
It is just another way to elevate the quality of life in their home.
That is what I am there for so how could I not share my energy where it is needed?
I have come to understand that the effort is worth my time.
When they mirror my grin, I grin bigger.
When I grin bigger they ask me what I am grinning about and the whole thing just starts over again.
I bet you could try it and grin bigger, too.
My best to you and yours.
Nancy McEldowney
October 11, 2010
Time to work on the internet projects, sort out bills, such as that.
I made my way all the way to 1:00 before I actually spoke to anyone.
That was only four hours ago but I am here to chat at you about it.
You don't really need to hear details.
You are thinking you had a day of your own.
How could my day seem like anything more than yours did.
I understand, really I do.
What I am here to share with you really isn't a story about my day.
It is more a light bulb to turn on.
A realization that makes life a little better sometimes.
I think I am so very lucky in this world.
I tend to speak loud and laugh often, or so I have been told.
My children get short with me when my bright light is just shining and shining in their eyes.
What can I say, I have energy. Lots of energy, lots of the time.
Who ever heard of a parent with more energy than her children?
Well, it is true at my house anyway.
They try to keep up but most times I can see it on their faces.
They are trying to mirror me but don't know how it is working.
It frustrates them sometimes.
I guess I have always believed I should respect that people try to mirror me.
I am a middle child so I remember having younger siblings who tried to dress like me, act like me.
It is just different in adult life.
We have to understand that we have value and that others wish they could smile
the way we smile.
Dance when the music isn't playing.
Tell stories, sing songs, light up the room.
Don't get me wrong.
I believe everyone lights up the room.
I enjoy all the people I care for and work for.
It is important to remember there is a special part of all of us that shines,
whether we mean it or not.
So I begin my days with sleepy people who offer me coffee and chat.
Lights are not shining bright yet, movements are still slow.
I am theirs for more than chat but it is up to me to notice what is needed.
They think of me as a cleaner.
They find a companion in me that is kind and patient.
A woman who understands more than she says she understands,
and who will pitch in at a moments notice.
For most of my clients, that is enough.
We get into a comfortable place with each other.
They know what to expect when I arrive.
I know how it can go with anything I have found they need.
Just helping them to stay independent in their homes.
Some of my clients enjoy a visit from my dog, Luna.
She is a sweet touch with more silly energy to pass around.
Good with vulnerable people, too.
She tends to just sit by them if they can't move or speak.
Cool, huh.
Sometimes it is more appropriate to simply tell stories of her escapades in the desert out back of town.
Times when her germs are an issue, you know.
The important part is always that I am there when I say I will be and they have my attention the entire time I am there.
Sometimes my attention is all that is really important to them.
That's okay, too.
The part that is most important to me when I arrive, is that I know they have been living the whole week till my next visit.
Each day was probably as challenging for them as the one they have on my schedule.
They would like to whine and tell about the troubles.
They would like to speak of frustrations with medical personnel,
procedures, falls that ripped their skin.
Most of the time they don't whine.
Did you hear that?
Most of the time these elders just want to know about my week.
They want to hear my stories of parenting and business owning and single womaning......
^_^
It always honors me to find them interested.
Because I understand more than I say I understand,
I try to speak only about things they can help me with.
Sometimes, I have to make a story for them to solve.
Makes them feel useful in this world.
Needed by someone who doesn't look like she needs them.
Best I can, I never bring my drama to them.
They have enough drama for the both of us.
No, I really just try to make them smile.
Sometimes, it is all about the smile I bring through the door when I arrive.
They are my mirror.
Some days it is just that it takes them a while to wake up and want to smile.
Lots of the time I find them sorting out some very painful trouble that keeps them sitting too long, so I sing.
I do, and they encourage it or just smile as if I were an angel.
It probably helps that I have had training.
It probably makes a difference that I have worked with musicians who
made me learn to have a voice worth listening to.
What I think is wonderful is that when I sing or bring joy, well,
I find people try to mirror me.
It is like magic, sometimes.
I get to the home and it is sleepy quiet.
Within an hour we are all chatting and smiling and the day seems better.
I think of it as a courtesy to the good people who employ me.
It is a gift that I give to my clients.
Yes, I am leading them and I don't know if it stays in the air after I leave.
Sometimes I wonder if I tire them out and they nap when I go.
It is just another way to elevate the quality of life in their home.
That is what I am there for so how could I not share my energy where it is needed?
I have come to understand that the effort is worth my time.
When they mirror my grin, I grin bigger.
When I grin bigger they ask me what I am grinning about and the whole thing just starts over again.
I bet you could try it and grin bigger, too.
My best to you and yours.
Nancy McEldowney
October 11, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Dear Me
Kindness will come from
unexpected places.
You said so, I know you did.
So close your eyes and breath.
Tell yourself you are safe,
and not lost.
Try not to think of the cost.
Love and laughter can be
found in a strangers face.
So keep your eyes open.
Keep your head up to see.
Remind yourself of all the
places you've been.
This is all just another
then yet to be.
You'll see.
Happiness and hard work
really can walk hand in hand.
It's okay if you don't understand.
Just tell yourself you are safe.
Remember all the places you've been....all the places.
Close your eyes.
Breath.
Nancy McEldowney
4/22/06
unexpected places.
You said so, I know you did.
So close your eyes and breath.
Tell yourself you are safe,
and not lost.
Try not to think of the cost.
Love and laughter can be
found in a strangers face.
So keep your eyes open.
Keep your head up to see.
Remind yourself of all the
places you've been.
This is all just another
then yet to be.
You'll see.
Happiness and hard work
really can walk hand in hand.
It's okay if you don't understand.
Just tell yourself you are safe.
Remember all the places you've been....all the places.
Close your eyes.
Breath.
Nancy McEldowney
4/22/06
From: Lists To Live By
This book was put together by Alice Grav, Steve Stephens and John Van Diest.
I have enjoyed looking through this book for all sorts of things.
Today I found this treasured bit of advice and it compelled me to share.
I hope the good people who put this list together,
will appreciate my intention.
I am grateful to all those who wish to help the good people,
who helped us be here now.
TOUGH QUESTIONS TO ASK ELDERLY PARENTS
1. Do you have up-to-date wills?
2. Do you have hidden assets or liabilities?
3. Where do you keep your important financial documents?
4. Who will handle your affairs if you become incapacitated?
5. Do you have a living will and a medical power of attorney?
6. Do you have sufficient medical insurance?
7. Do you have long-term care insurance?
8. Have you made funeral plans?
9. Will your estate owe taxes,
and do you have money to pay them?
I would add one more from my time in the care of elders.
10.Do you have a current list of your medical support people which includes:
Names, addresses and phone numbers of Doctors and offices.
Why you go to these people.
What medicine they have prescribed.
Why it was prescribed.
When you take it and how much you take, each time.
Keeping a notebook with sheet protectors to maintain loose notes, business cards and prescriptions is a helpful tool. Some people like to take their notebooks with them when they go to office visits so the staff can update any changes at the time of the change.
These books are so useful to EMTs, visiting family and other people who may have you in their care.
These books are also vital for those traveling with medications and schedules.
If you are in a hospital for anything that has happened on your vacation,
the local staff know what is missing in your scheduled medications and they have access to your doctors if advice is needed.
And now I leave you with this tidbit.
Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
Till next time, be well friends.
I have enjoyed looking through this book for all sorts of things.
Today I found this treasured bit of advice and it compelled me to share.
I hope the good people who put this list together,
will appreciate my intention.
I am grateful to all those who wish to help the good people,
who helped us be here now.
TOUGH QUESTIONS TO ASK ELDERLY PARENTS
1. Do you have up-to-date wills?
2. Do you have hidden assets or liabilities?
3. Where do you keep your important financial documents?
4. Who will handle your affairs if you become incapacitated?
5. Do you have a living will and a medical power of attorney?
6. Do you have sufficient medical insurance?
7. Do you have long-term care insurance?
8. Have you made funeral plans?
9. Will your estate owe taxes,
and do you have money to pay them?
I would add one more from my time in the care of elders.
10.Do you have a current list of your medical support people which includes:
Names, addresses and phone numbers of Doctors and offices.
Why you go to these people.
What medicine they have prescribed.
Why it was prescribed.
When you take it and how much you take, each time.
Keeping a notebook with sheet protectors to maintain loose notes, business cards and prescriptions is a helpful tool. Some people like to take their notebooks with them when they go to office visits so the staff can update any changes at the time of the change.
These books are so useful to EMTs, visiting family and other people who may have you in their care.
These books are also vital for those traveling with medications and schedules.
If you are in a hospital for anything that has happened on your vacation,
the local staff know what is missing in your scheduled medications and they have access to your doctors if advice is needed.
And now I leave you with this tidbit.
Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
Till next time, be well friends.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
From Beyond My Looking Glass
Being no more than a sentence,
I've lost my mind,
looking for the perfect paragraph.
Living in a rhyme
which relates so little to past times
of strength or wisdom.
Casually caressing the moment,
I've seen magic and misery.
I'm sure, I don't know even half of that which I speak.
Living so far from home
left little time for repentance over win/lose situations.
In the mystery of my being I find reluctance and hesitations.
In the heat of each moment,
I want to be sure of what I know.
I've been told I choose a hard way to go.
Nancy McEldowney
1975
I've lost my mind,
looking for the perfect paragraph.
Living in a rhyme
which relates so little to past times
of strength or wisdom.
Casually caressing the moment,
I've seen magic and misery.
I'm sure, I don't know even half of that which I speak.
Living so far from home
left little time for repentance over win/lose situations.
In the mystery of my being I find reluctance and hesitations.
In the heat of each moment,
I want to be sure of what I know.
I've been told I choose a hard way to go.
Nancy McEldowney
1975
....may you cherish in every part of life.
We are in our Monsoons now, here in the desert.
If you have ever lived in the desert, you understand how it feels.
Just to walk out of the air conditioned spaces, into the out of doors.
The heat is like another door. You do the best you can. I have felt the days where the air is oppressive and the sweat drips from your forehead, down into your eyes. The sting, the blinding pain for a minute there.
It's another day in the desert and I am on my way to work in a home where a 90 year old man lives.
He is such a good sport when it comes to life. Last summer he decided to re-tile his back sun porch. He did it, too.
Looks just great and he just bought the tile and installed it in a beautiful pattern. Did you notice I said he is 90?
I am so often amazed by my elders.
I am so often taught by my elders that life is for living.
Today's client surely lives and he believes he will know when it is the right time to check himself into an extended care facility. That's right.
He is planning on checking himself in. Not waiting to see, but preparing for the inevitable. He knows where he will live and I am certain he is already prepared in his files and records.
Some people have ample common sense, while others, though intelligent, lack the common sense to see the future for the simple details it can be.
Common sense or not, we all have to do the best we can with what we have left to work with, as we age.
Today I am thinking about all the clients I have seen this week, so far.
I am aware that the barometric pressure can make symptoms increase. I am used to the looks on their faces when I arrive and they have been just getting through their days.
The pains increase, the blood pressure fluctuates till they can't stand for very long. The appetite fails and the meds get taken at different times of day so the blood levels vary. Change in weather patterns can really change an elders day.
That can mean recovery time to get back on the right track.
That can sometimes mean the need for EMTs, also.
My elders are patient but just as human as anyone and I find them angry or frustrated, even fearful, so often during the Monsoon season.
I am doing the best that I can, just like them.
We make the best team we can make, together.
Yesterday, I worked for a couple who have really been fighting for their lives.
The husband fought cancer these last few years. I wonder if the radiation was worse than the pain of the cancer. Large panels of skin just burned off of his small back while he went through the courses of radiation. He is so brave.
During this very difficult time, his wife had a heart attack. They have both been smokers all their lives.
He quit but she did not. She still smokes in her bathroom, with the window open.
This year she had a pace maker put into her body and she is not able to have the thing put deep under her skin so it just sticks out from under her skin, below her left shoulder, like an alien bump. That is what she called it, her alien friend.
Sweet sense of humor.
Thing is she is unhappy and so she finds a place to vent when she talks about her weight. She has carried too much weight for years and it has cost her to carry it.
Now that she is unable to eat as much and goes through these times where she is in recovery from some procedure, well, she has dropped her size down to a more manageable weight. I smile when I recall how she complains about how she is wasting away and is too skinny now. She is not too skinny. She still has some weight to lose, if she wants to trim even more. But there she goes, complaining and complaining. I just listen and tell her she is beautiful. I compliment her clothing, her new clothing, since weight loss means "shopping" to most women. This does not phase her as she needs to complain about something.
The reality is she is not feeling better even after all her procedures and times in the hospital. The two of them know how close they are to their ends and they are doing the best they can. Neither wants to go before the other.
The husband was bent forward yesterday, as his back was out and quite painful.
The wife can't stand seeing him in any more pain so she complains about her weight. They don't require a conversation about whether he will heal today or tomorrow.
They just have the now and I am there with them.
We are in agreement, she is looking better with the new outfit from her daughter.
Her daughter has beautiful taste.
We are in agreement, the heat won't last.
We are in agreement, it's a good day.
Sometimes that is all we need to speak of. It is all too real to speak of the pains and treatments.
It is not necessary to suggest cures or thoughts. They know the rules and these days are still precious because their daughter is cooking tonite and it will be a good night.
The title of this post is a wish sent to me from Gurjit, who lives in India.
Sometimes, all I have for my elders is a wish, a prayer.
They are people used to living in the world that they created with the days of their lives.
Days all collected up in the shoebox of their hearts. It is not appropriate for me to intrude when I see the strength waning. When I see the light dimming but not gone.
I am there to help where I can but sometimes help is keeping my grin on and my hands busy. They just want each other now.
From Gurjit:
I pray God heals you from all illness'
and you stand firm and adamant to see this world
from your beautiful eyes.
May you cherish in every part of life,
and God's always there for us.
Well put Gurjit.
Thank you.
Thank you all for taking the time to read my words.
May you cherish,
Nancy McEldowney
If you have ever lived in the desert, you understand how it feels.
Just to walk out of the air conditioned spaces, into the out of doors.
The heat is like another door. You do the best you can. I have felt the days where the air is oppressive and the sweat drips from your forehead, down into your eyes. The sting, the blinding pain for a minute there.
It's another day in the desert and I am on my way to work in a home where a 90 year old man lives.
He is such a good sport when it comes to life. Last summer he decided to re-tile his back sun porch. He did it, too.
Looks just great and he just bought the tile and installed it in a beautiful pattern. Did you notice I said he is 90?
I am so often amazed by my elders.
I am so often taught by my elders that life is for living.
Today's client surely lives and he believes he will know when it is the right time to check himself into an extended care facility. That's right.
He is planning on checking himself in. Not waiting to see, but preparing for the inevitable. He knows where he will live and I am certain he is already prepared in his files and records.
Some people have ample common sense, while others, though intelligent, lack the common sense to see the future for the simple details it can be.
Common sense or not, we all have to do the best we can with what we have left to work with, as we age.
Today I am thinking about all the clients I have seen this week, so far.
I am aware that the barometric pressure can make symptoms increase. I am used to the looks on their faces when I arrive and they have been just getting through their days.
The pains increase, the blood pressure fluctuates till they can't stand for very long. The appetite fails and the meds get taken at different times of day so the blood levels vary. Change in weather patterns can really change an elders day.
That can mean recovery time to get back on the right track.
That can sometimes mean the need for EMTs, also.
My elders are patient but just as human as anyone and I find them angry or frustrated, even fearful, so often during the Monsoon season.
I am doing the best that I can, just like them.
We make the best team we can make, together.
Yesterday, I worked for a couple who have really been fighting for their lives.
The husband fought cancer these last few years. I wonder if the radiation was worse than the pain of the cancer. Large panels of skin just burned off of his small back while he went through the courses of radiation. He is so brave.
During this very difficult time, his wife had a heart attack. They have both been smokers all their lives.
He quit but she did not. She still smokes in her bathroom, with the window open.
This year she had a pace maker put into her body and she is not able to have the thing put deep under her skin so it just sticks out from under her skin, below her left shoulder, like an alien bump. That is what she called it, her alien friend.
Sweet sense of humor.
Thing is she is unhappy and so she finds a place to vent when she talks about her weight. She has carried too much weight for years and it has cost her to carry it.
Now that she is unable to eat as much and goes through these times where she is in recovery from some procedure, well, she has dropped her size down to a more manageable weight. I smile when I recall how she complains about how she is wasting away and is too skinny now. She is not too skinny. She still has some weight to lose, if she wants to trim even more. But there she goes, complaining and complaining. I just listen and tell her she is beautiful. I compliment her clothing, her new clothing, since weight loss means "shopping" to most women. This does not phase her as she needs to complain about something.
The reality is she is not feeling better even after all her procedures and times in the hospital. The two of them know how close they are to their ends and they are doing the best they can. Neither wants to go before the other.
The husband was bent forward yesterday, as his back was out and quite painful.
The wife can't stand seeing him in any more pain so she complains about her weight. They don't require a conversation about whether he will heal today or tomorrow.
They just have the now and I am there with them.
We are in agreement, she is looking better with the new outfit from her daughter.
Her daughter has beautiful taste.
We are in agreement, the heat won't last.
We are in agreement, it's a good day.
Sometimes that is all we need to speak of. It is all too real to speak of the pains and treatments.
It is not necessary to suggest cures or thoughts. They know the rules and these days are still precious because their daughter is cooking tonite and it will be a good night.
The title of this post is a wish sent to me from Gurjit, who lives in India.
Sometimes, all I have for my elders is a wish, a prayer.
They are people used to living in the world that they created with the days of their lives.
Days all collected up in the shoebox of their hearts. It is not appropriate for me to intrude when I see the strength waning. When I see the light dimming but not gone.
I am there to help where I can but sometimes help is keeping my grin on and my hands busy. They just want each other now.
From Gurjit:
I pray God heals you from all illness'
and you stand firm and adamant to see this world
from your beautiful eyes.
May you cherish in every part of life,
and God's always there for us.
Well put Gurjit.
Thank you.
Thank you all for taking the time to read my words.
May you cherish,
Nancy McEldowney
Monday, March 29, 2010
See Me Small
The night is blue with the sky eyes of you.
This memory does float by.
It is only I.
Don't let me fall for I am just small.
That's not all, but yes, I am just small.
Looking back at little shoe prints in the sand,
I look down inside and for once I think I understand.
It's me and I'm here,
and I can hear your call.
Don't let me fall for I am just small.
That's not all, no, that's not all,
but I am small.
I sing big.
I fly high.
I love large.
Time goes by.
The day will be yellow with the sunshine sounds.
I will be here,
but you won't know I'm around
because I'm holding my breath to keep
these feet on the ground.
I thought that I was big.
You know,
I didn't realize that I am small.
Walking in sand and looking back at small tracks.
Little feet.
It was me but it doesn't really matter as much as I thought.
So I still say;
don't lt me fall.
Don't let me fall.
Don't let me fall for I am just small.
Nancy McEldowney
9/10/00
Searching For Some Kind Of Miracle.
I would like to dedicate this entry to the art of closure.
When involved in other peoples lives like I am, it is often I find myself caught in the webs of emotional survival. These families are doing the best they can and really, so am I. Those times when I am contacted for help, it is all too often the families are out of ideas, out of options. They are searching for a miracle and somehow they are guided to me. Yes, I am a miracle but not always the one they are looking for. We are all miracles and I try to honor the miracle in all of us. I believe this attitude is part of what helps me help others.
As the story begins it is me who is leading. The families are always strong people who are in search of strong support. The focus of our attention is the conflict their elder is living with. Usually some disease that is stealing the personal choices and daily freedoms so many of us take for granted. When I have sorted out the places I can truly help, I begin my journey with the end in sight. Not the one where the elder is gone and the family is grieving. No, I always hope for the family. They will eventually have more one on one time with the elder. They will eventually understand the truest fact is that they must celebrate the time they have left with their loved one, no matter what it looks like, no matter how difficult it is to understand. I am a support system they are putting into place. I am helping their elder stay independent as long as it safe and possible.
The end is always coming closer. The end is most often a friend to me as I am always in the same place when I get there. I have to make the effort to release these people from what they consider debt to me. It is too hard for them to understand what to do with me when I am no longer needed. They just remember how many times they felt they needed me. Sometimes it is easy. Sometimes it appears to be conflict when really, all that is happening is the anxiety of the reality. My most recent closure was the three daughters who asked for my help with their mom. She has Alzheimer's and her husband was questionable care while he survived cancer and just plain good old fashioned aging. I hadn't had any openings when they first requested my care but they were so concerned about possible abuse and/or neglect, I gave them a day each week and put the scheduled tasks that used to take that day on my shelf of what to do when I get time. You have read about the journey in past blogs if you are keeping up with my entries. No need for repeat information.
Suffice it to say, we were able to make miracles, we four. The woman, their mom, was a magic bundle of kindness and true beauty. I fell in love with her and even liked her husband in the end. It turned out to be the same as so many other homes I have worked in. He was emotionally exhausted and worried about how this would turn out. Turned out he really did love her so much. One of the last days of his life I was able to take her to his ICU bed where I kept excusing myself for imaginary tasks so they could just sit holding their hands between their noses while they whispered their love to each other. When lunch came for him he was unable to eat as the hospital he had come from had lost his dentures. The nurse who delivered his food did not cut the pork chop into bites so he wasn't going to eat. I cut the pieces real small and he and his wife sat there while she fed him each bite. I had wished the daughters could have seen the love light shining in that room that day.
Now is not then and we are all still doing the best we can. The daughters made incredible strides when the husband passed and so soon it was the week when they could move their mom to a living arrangement with constant care that was near to where they lived. At least two of the daughters anyway. Another one of those conflicts we face when our dear, dear parents are needing us and we have lives far away from where they are.
So another common component to this relationship I find with families is what to do with what parents keep in their homes. These are family memories, pieces of our lives as we grew up and away. Families think they might need me and sometimes they do but it was really not the case with these three beautiful, strong, capable women. In the end I had to exit the situation the best I could as they were in a kind of inner drama when I arrived. Yes, I could have taken conversations personally but it would not have served us to create conflict over emotion. The emotion is a constant in all my relationships with my clients and their families. I try very hard to keep my heart at a distance when we get to the estate disbursement. It is a multi-dimensional experience for the families and my personal feelings must not increase the drama, the effort.
I believe it is very important to know when to go. I found the situation did not need me and though words were said, there was no harm to me. I was grateful to find the place where I could walk away.
It is a real trick to understand when to walk away. This time I think I got it right. Only time will tell. Time is what it takes when it comes to working out the emotions and memories and secret anxieties that can be uncovered as we go through our elders belongings. It is a task best saved for the privacy of family, not for the elder-care techs. I will always help where I can but it is one of the places of closure that elder-care techs should respect and act upon with kindness.
So here is a little insight into the closure we must create when we elder-care techs are no longer needed. It takes a mindset. It takes a need to be good for something, just for the sake of being good for something. You have to keep a healthy respect for the process of others and be good to them the best you can as you observe the journey they invited you into, but could not foresee. Use what ever back-ups you need but be the parent for them as they learn to deal with this new, un-chartable perspective in their relationship with those people who helped them learn to walk, to speak, to laugh. Look into the eyes of the families who ask for your help and you will see your own eyes.
Yes, it is another form of love and I am honored every time I am asked to give this kind of love.
Good luck and love, N.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Just So
Have you ever been just thinking,
just sitting very still.
Attempting to grasp a moment,
perhaps conjuring at will.
I know that moment.
I have seen its stare.
Leaving you with arms outstretched,
empty,
more aware.
Today I see my future.
These shadows shall not cast.
I will that I have joy and peace.
These troubles will not last.
So tell me,
have you ever crumbled breathless,
tears hot and real.
Begging for a little insight.
Aching endless from how deep you feel.
I have tempted those fears.
I have tasted those tears.
Arms empty, heart strong.
Eyes wide open to see what's wrong.
Sometimes I can't see for what's wrong.
But today I see my future.
These shadows shall not cast.
I will that I have joy and peace.
These troubles will not last.
Nancy McEldowney
just sitting very still.
Attempting to grasp a moment,
perhaps conjuring at will.
I know that moment.
I have seen its stare.
Leaving you with arms outstretched,
empty,
more aware.
Today I see my future.
These shadows shall not cast.
I will that I have joy and peace.
These troubles will not last.
So tell me,
have you ever crumbled breathless,
tears hot and real.
Begging for a little insight.
Aching endless from how deep you feel.
I have tempted those fears.
I have tasted those tears.
Arms empty, heart strong.
Eyes wide open to see what's wrong.
Sometimes I can't see for what's wrong.
But today I see my future.
These shadows shall not cast.
I will that I have joy and peace.
These troubles will not last.
Nancy McEldowney
Can you tell me............?
In the Western states, now, the weather is often warm again.
That means it's yard sale time.
Here is a little story about what I found on my way home one day.
They stood together talking quietly. I browsed the yard sale that they had somehow pulled together. When they looked up the gentleman asked me how I was doing and I graciously said,
"Good afternoon, I am well." They appeared to be in their seventies but the heat of the day had them puffing and weary. I could see that the effort had not brought them the result they had hoped for. I looked through the clutter on the tables and saw very few pieces of real value to me but I could see that they wanted something from me so I asked them how the day had gone. Now the woman spoke. She related how she had felt each time someone tried to get her to," go down in price", for the true antiques she had carefully placed on those tables and boxes and odd shelves. She was confused and frustrated by the attitude and disrespect. I had seen this before at my own yard sales so I tried to ease her heart by agreeing that it was hard not to react when people didn't seem to know true value from dime store quality clutter. I got a smile for that, so I sat down with them and asked what the sale was for. Were they moving or just clearing out space in their home. It was the latter and she was finding it difficult enough to part with these things without being asked to just give her treasures away. I smiled at that one so I asked her to show me the pieces of value. I thought perhaps we could sort out a solution to their challenge. They both looked surprised that I would stay and just chat like this. The gentleman asked me what background I had that would give me knowledge of the field. I told him that I have a reputation for finding treasures of true value. I come from people who were well known at the auction houses in Gary, Indiana as they were furniture re-finishers for resale. My mother was the one who taught me about glassware and household antiques so I felt a sense of knowledge that let me take chances on certain areas of resale that perhaps others did not feel comfortable in. He warmed up to me so his wife did as well.
She said, "Can you tell me about the chairs?" It was true that they had once been wonderful and the claw feet made them have a charm and value but the seats were ruined and the wood had been painted and then stripped so poorly that they would be a lot of work for any yard sale buyer. The woman said, with a pout, that she would just as well keep them and paint them herself. I said, "Exactly! It is all about the value to you." Then we looked at the pictures. Yes, these people had excellent taste and some of these pieces were truly valuable. The one most important to them had frame and matting trouble that really took away from the look so no, it would always be difficult to get what it was worth, without investing in the refreshed matte and framework. The gentleman asked, "But who would do the work for us?" I said to go to a local art company and just pay to get the best you can afford to allow for profit. They were amazed at how simple we were making things but I ached a little at how alone in all this they seemed. Nobody does the work a yard sale requires without the financial need as a motivator. Here is where I usually ask the elderly if they are familiar with the internet. These two said it was all too hard to understand and that they couldn't imagine ever understanding how to turn the darn thing on. I encouraged them in the end by exploring the different options the web offers. It is only a matter of wanting to and being patient with oneself while the education happens. The woman softened and admitted that her daughter owned a computer and that it was there at the house. I asked her if she ever thought to try it out or if her daughter would help her. I admitted that it was my fifteen year old who kept me afloat when I felt lost with my laptop. Ohhh, the fact that I had a laptop seemed so incredible to them. I usually fall in love with elders who let me see this sweet side of themselves. Here is where I did. I looked around the garage and asked them to please consider the online auctions and craigslist in our area so that they might get familiar with this new perspective in generating a return on antiques purchased for resale. I told them to look on bulletin boards and pay attention to ads in the newsletter from their credit union or bank, for people who will charge them a percentage of sales for doing the computer work for them. I encouraged them to rethink how they see these valuables. If they truly valued these beautiful antiques then they must display them well and maintain an attitude that expresses the true value. The gentleman agreed with a shrug and a smile that told me a light had turned on and he was ready to talk with his daughter. The woman was already going for her keys so she could go to the library to get the sticker that lets you on the computers there. I also sent her to find the book, "Computers For Dummies". I told her it had opened the door for me and it would for her. Time well spent, I thought, as I walked to my truck. When I drove away I noticed them deep in conversation and ready to be more productive. At least I told myself that. They were tired and ready to close up but at least I felt maybe they had a new idea. Sometimes it is all about something else to do.
Staying open, being vulnerable and smiling when someone speaks to me. It works.
Making this world a better place each day, just by being here, it matters.
Where do you fit in all this? Watch for an elder and take a chance.
Smile and look into their eyes when you speak to them.
Find out if you will make their world better just by being there.
Watch them make yours brighter just by letting you help.
As I turned the corner to get closer to the freeway, I noticed the gentleman out on the corner picking up his sign.
I beeped and waved.
He glowed with a smile, so rewarding.
Yeah, it's worth it.
That means it's yard sale time.
Here is a little story about what I found on my way home one day.
They stood together talking quietly. I browsed the yard sale that they had somehow pulled together. When they looked up the gentleman asked me how I was doing and I graciously said,
"Good afternoon, I am well." They appeared to be in their seventies but the heat of the day had them puffing and weary. I could see that the effort had not brought them the result they had hoped for. I looked through the clutter on the tables and saw very few pieces of real value to me but I could see that they wanted something from me so I asked them how the day had gone. Now the woman spoke. She related how she had felt each time someone tried to get her to," go down in price", for the true antiques she had carefully placed on those tables and boxes and odd shelves. She was confused and frustrated by the attitude and disrespect. I had seen this before at my own yard sales so I tried to ease her heart by agreeing that it was hard not to react when people didn't seem to know true value from dime store quality clutter. I got a smile for that, so I sat down with them and asked what the sale was for. Were they moving or just clearing out space in their home. It was the latter and she was finding it difficult enough to part with these things without being asked to just give her treasures away. I smiled at that one so I asked her to show me the pieces of value. I thought perhaps we could sort out a solution to their challenge. They both looked surprised that I would stay and just chat like this. The gentleman asked me what background I had that would give me knowledge of the field. I told him that I have a reputation for finding treasures of true value. I come from people who were well known at the auction houses in Gary, Indiana as they were furniture re-finishers for resale. My mother was the one who taught me about glassware and household antiques so I felt a sense of knowledge that let me take chances on certain areas of resale that perhaps others did not feel comfortable in. He warmed up to me so his wife did as well.
She said, "Can you tell me about the chairs?" It was true that they had once been wonderful and the claw feet made them have a charm and value but the seats were ruined and the wood had been painted and then stripped so poorly that they would be a lot of work for any yard sale buyer. The woman said, with a pout, that she would just as well keep them and paint them herself. I said, "Exactly! It is all about the value to you." Then we looked at the pictures. Yes, these people had excellent taste and some of these pieces were truly valuable. The one most important to them had frame and matting trouble that really took away from the look so no, it would always be difficult to get what it was worth, without investing in the refreshed matte and framework. The gentleman asked, "But who would do the work for us?" I said to go to a local art company and just pay to get the best you can afford to allow for profit. They were amazed at how simple we were making things but I ached a little at how alone in all this they seemed. Nobody does the work a yard sale requires without the financial need as a motivator. Here is where I usually ask the elderly if they are familiar with the internet. These two said it was all too hard to understand and that they couldn't imagine ever understanding how to turn the darn thing on. I encouraged them in the end by exploring the different options the web offers. It is only a matter of wanting to and being patient with oneself while the education happens. The woman softened and admitted that her daughter owned a computer and that it was there at the house. I asked her if she ever thought to try it out or if her daughter would help her. I admitted that it was my fifteen year old who kept me afloat when I felt lost with my laptop. Ohhh, the fact that I had a laptop seemed so incredible to them. I usually fall in love with elders who let me see this sweet side of themselves. Here is where I did. I looked around the garage and asked them to please consider the online auctions and craigslist in our area so that they might get familiar with this new perspective in generating a return on antiques purchased for resale. I told them to look on bulletin boards and pay attention to ads in the newsletter from their credit union or bank, for people who will charge them a percentage of sales for doing the computer work for them. I encouraged them to rethink how they see these valuables. If they truly valued these beautiful antiques then they must display them well and maintain an attitude that expresses the true value. The gentleman agreed with a shrug and a smile that told me a light had turned on and he was ready to talk with his daughter. The woman was already going for her keys so she could go to the library to get the sticker that lets you on the computers there. I also sent her to find the book, "Computers For Dummies". I told her it had opened the door for me and it would for her. Time well spent, I thought, as I walked to my truck. When I drove away I noticed them deep in conversation and ready to be more productive. At least I told myself that. They were tired and ready to close up but at least I felt maybe they had a new idea. Sometimes it is all about something else to do.
Staying open, being vulnerable and smiling when someone speaks to me. It works.
Making this world a better place each day, just by being here, it matters.
Where do you fit in all this? Watch for an elder and take a chance.
Smile and look into their eyes when you speak to them.
Find out if you will make their world better just by being there.
Watch them make yours brighter just by letting you help.
As I turned the corner to get closer to the freeway, I noticed the gentleman out on the corner picking up his sign.
I beeped and waved.
He glowed with a smile, so rewarding.
Yeah, it's worth it.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)