That was one of my clients. I told her that I had seen an interview of someone who had been a care giver for the elderly and had written a book about her experience. I said that it seemed a more negative approach to relating what was important to her and that I hoped I didn't end up sounding like her. All this experience has really made me more than I am and it has been a joyful act for me. She only said, in that low comfortable voice of hers, she said, "Nancy, keep your sense of humor". Coming from her, I will take that sound advice. Perhaps you would like me to tell you about some of the good things you will find, should you imagine following in my footsteps, in your community. I think you will find joy if you hit it right.
Mary Jane is 88 years young. Her aunt, Jenny, is 89 and I have cared for these two women for 8 years. They are both so very precious to me. I get to spend time with them every other week, if I am lucky, and I truly enjoy the honor. As the story goes, they are only a year apart in age but are really from two different generations of their family. Most of my younger elders will ask me how they are doing and in truth, I have referred to them as the sisters because it is easier than explaining a privacy like that. Yes, I share information about all my elders with all my elders. Not in the personal ways that I am privy to in each home but yes, I relate milestones and tricks of aging that my elders accomplish. It has become such a family and I get the feeling they all really enjoy and care about each other as the years pass. No, they don't ever meet but they send advice and understanding and even gifts to each other through me and once again it honors me to help keep their worlds larger than their living rooms. My elders are often home each day with nothing calling them outside but doctor appointments and occasional family visits. When you can't drive, your world gets smaller and smaller, as your body gives out or no longer listens to your commands. Men seem to take losing the ability to drive harder than women but in honesty, I pray I will have the grace my elders have when I lose my driving privileges due to my aging eyes or mental ability to respond on cue.
Do you think about that? Do you understand that we are them? I do and I never did before. Since I found this place in the universe looking for me I have learned to realize and respect many aspects of my inevitable future and just as I try to prepare for a life worth living in my elder years, so do I make the effort to help my elders enjoy and have some kind of control over their lives at this stage.
Both of these beautiful women have outlived their husbands and all the kids and grand kids are busy with the lives that they are building. These two care for each other and are companions for each other in ways you and I might take for granted, in our own lives. It pains me to see how the years are beginning to show and one is left without the others company because their bodies are aging in different ways. It is always a good day when they will tell me stories of what it was like for them when they were in grade school or when it was their time to be the wife and mother. Sometimes, when one or the other is in the mood to share memories, it is almost like being there, for me. Funny how our memories can be so vivid about out beginnings and yet, as we age, our moment to moment gets so hard to hold on to.
Let me start where our day begins. I arrive at noon and they are up "early" so they can be ready for me to be in the house with them. You know, clothes changed, faces washed, that sort of thing. They both stay up late and do as they please because when you are 88 and 89, you can. The door opens and there's that beautiful grin, complete with a sweet hello and how are you doing today, greeting. I'm there to clean for them. I bring in my buckets and broom, then we sit down to chat for an hour or two. Sometimes we are talking so long we have to laugh and get me busy so I am able to get home to make dinner for my boy. I think they would have me there all evening sometimes as we get so comfortable in our little space. Yes, we forget the outside world for a little while. Often times, I remember the early days of my marriage in contrast to the stories told to me at that table. All three of us were young women doing the best we could to understand our roles. We loved our husband and celebrated the chance to honor him in our own ways. We were in awe and wonderment and yes, fear, when pregnancy began. We all three took the best care we knew how to and we all three gave birth in the best medical situations that were available to us The differences are small on the personal levels but they both had so much more courage than I ever had. They were from a different time and doctors did the best they could but habits in a hospital were less educated for people of that era. You have to find the right perspective about things back then. It is always an amazement for me when I hear my elders speak of daily life in their childhoods, too. Life was so basic and yet unpredictable, limitless. They had no TV or stereo. In their beginnings, sometimes they didn't even have running water so how were the dishes washed and the laundry, bathing and yes, just the simple urge for a glass of drinking water? It wasn't a movie, it was real life and they were cared for by mothers and fathers who worked hard for what little they had available to them. It was so frightening when someone was ill as the problems were still possibly a life threatening disease and not a simple cold or flu. Still, the days passed with laughter and tears and pride and disappointments, just like any other life you can recall. Time after time, we sat at the kitchen table and they were more interested in my life and day to day. All the while, I am waiting for glimpses into their days and how it is to be 89 and 88.
I guess that should be enough for now. Oh, there is so much more but for now, we'll keep our sense of humor. Be well friends and maybe, call your mom or your dad and let them tell you a story. Could be good.
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