Wanting The Joy

Some of the things that happen to me now,
make me feel like I'm dieing.
I can't believe I have spent so much time crying.
I have mischief in my heart and I have always felt joy in my brand new starts.
So lately, I'm  just not sure who this new me will be.
Can you see?
I'm pushing hard and fast to chase the ghosties out of my past.
I'm holding on for dear life.
I'm creating a new universe, if I might.
But is this me, I can't tell.
Can you see?
I've been looking in my books,
and I'm carrying stones in my pockets again.
Sometimes, the things that happen to me now,
make me miss being bottle-washer and cook.
Taking another backwards look.
This now was the maybe when, then.
Can you see?
Sometimes I can see.
Sometimes I am so strong.
Then I am surely stripped to me.
Once again,
all I have been, all I am, all I will be, is what you see.
Makes me weak to think today.
I guess I just still had these words to say.
I'm quiet now and I will be all day long.
Tomorrow I will be strong.


Nancy McEldowney
9/29/01